A Non-Trekkie Reviews Star Trek Into Darkness

My sister, her guy, The Teen, Bubbles!, and I headed to an evening showing of Star Trek Into Darkness. It was THIRTY ONE DANG DOLLARS to see the movie. Bootleg DVD Man is looking much better. Ticket price and my butt feeling numb (the movie clocks in at 127 minutes) aside, I thought the movie a decent flick. There were shades of other movie themes stitched throughout, most notably Batman and Bond.

What’s up with the black and white surrounded by destruction?

 

Light classical music plays as a husband and wife visit their daughter in the hospital. We know the kid is seriously sick because the parents replace a worn stuffed animal with a fresh looking one.  The music turns more frantic and menacing as a stranger approaches the dad and says he can cure his kid.

Kirk and Spock are summoned to Rear Admiral Pike. Kirk is delusional, thinking he’s getting a plum assignment. Spock cautions Kirk to chill, but since Kirk is a borderline sociopath, he ignores Spock and goes to Pike confident and prepared for a promotion.  Pike busts all kinds of bubbles by quoting from Spock’s report and demoting Kirk.  Kirk gets pissed at Spock and does a slow burn. Pike clucks at Kirk about him having potential and other stuff people say to children then dismisses Kirk.

Meanwhile, Dad has jumped at the chance to save his kid but in return he has to plant a bomb in Star Fleet London. The building explodes and a scream ends the scene.

Kirk is boozing it up at a dive bar and is about to chat up some chick when Pike blocks and morphs into M clucking over James Bond.  He repeats again about Kirk’s potential and how he convinced them to put Kirk back on his ship as second in command. He updates Kirk about the bomb and the two head back to command to discuss how to handle this attack.

Is this a dress?

No Madea! This time, RoboCop is on hand to administer instructions.

RoboCop, er Admiral Marcus, discloses that the mystery man is rogue ex-employee, John Harrison. While RoboCop breaks down his plan to reign hell-fire, Kirk zones out.  I know at this point we’re supposed to see Kirk as this maverick bad boy, but I question: how does this man-child, who barely finished Star Fleet Academy, manages to see something that a table full of experienced officers haven’t caught? My thought -why is there a table full of officers? Wouldn’t it be wise to keep them separate? Even The Boy has insight into this, explaining how Coca Cola won’t allow the only two people who know the secret formula on the same plane for fear that if the plane crashes the formula dies with them.Just as Kirk explains his revelation, Harrison unleashes a wave of gunfire attacking the officers. In the shoot out, Pike dies, and Kirk declares his intention to get revenge. RoboCop gives his blessing for Kirk to kill Harrison.Bones Bitches.

Dammit, Jim. You were just in a massive shoot-out!

The crew of the Enterprise prepares to locate Harrison who has taken refuge on the Klingon planet Kronos. Even I know Klingons aren’t to be trifled with. The original gang is assembled: Uhura channels a Terry McMillan character and gives Spock all kinds of attitude. Scotty says Hell to the NO! about flying with torpedoes and quits. Chekov has a slightly better hair cut. There’s some other odd looking folks dotted about the ship and a blonde chick who joins the crew which causes Zoe Saldana to stay relevant by claiming to be androgynous.

Since Uhura is the only one who speaks Klingon, she, Kirk, Spock, and two dudes who will surely die dons leather jackets and head to the planet.

Black leather SCREAMS ish just got deep

As they go off to face death, Uhura thinks this is the best time to give Spock hell about his decision to almost die in the beginning of the movie.  Spock waxes poet about how he chooses not to feel and some other stuff.Uhura tries to reason with the head Klingon who is about to show Uhura how many effs he gives about human issues when Harrison shoots everything in site. Kirk tries to beat the snot out of Harrison, but Uhura stops him. Then Spock says that 72 torpedoes are ready to blast away and Harrison willingly goes back to the Enterprise.In his glass cell, Silva taunts Bond:

Rather Harrison breaks it down this way:

RoboCop has Netflix and saw a movie called Demolition Man. So he was inspired to unfreeze Harrison and his people so he would be able to start a war, but with less lame style.

Hot Stuff!

Kirk vows to get justice and tries to return to Earth, but the ship won’t start. Chekov is in full panic mode because the ship is all kinds of messed up. Harrison reveals his real name is Khan, and gives Kirk coordinates to check out.  Kirk pages Scotty and asks him to check it out.  Scotty grumbles, but travels out, realizing that RoboCop has created a war ship. Scotty manages to sneak aboard this sophisticated military vessel unnoticed.

RoboCop shows up and demands Khan. Kirk and Khan travel through space to board the ship and take RoboCop out. Sulu is given the Captain’s chair and immediately sets a course for White Castle.

It’s some back and forth, RoboCop dies, Kirk gets his butt kicked, Blondie gets injured. Bones bitches.

Dammit Jim, it’s a Tribble!

The ship is still messed up, so Scotty reveals someone needs to activate the Omega 13.

Never give up. Never surrender.

Kirk makes another selfish decision and kicks the crap out of a broken radiation something that gets the ship flying again. Everyone but the damn doctor gathers to watch Kirk and Spock do some weird Frodo and Sam goodbye before Kirk dies.

Spock has enough sense to know he needs help so he calls Original Spock for advice. Original Spock is all “that Khan is a bad mother shut your mouth!”. New Spock gets spooked and follows Khan to earth where they battle it out a top of a train a la Bond style.

Two weeks later Kirk wakes up and Spock reveals that he got Khan. Rather than destroy Khan, they froze him and his crew and put them into storage for movie three or four.

Slurm, Anyone?

A year later and Kirk is reading a speech.  He’s convinced Star Fleet to let the crew of the Enterprise wander through space on a mission to do whatever it is that they did on the television series. Uhura is no longer pissed at Spock, Chekov is back on the bridge, Sulu gets kicked out of the Captain’s chair, Blondie has a hat, Scotty yells at his little companion.

And Bones bitches.

Dammit Jim, the show was cancelled!

Did you see the new Star Trek? What movies did it make you think of?