Nothing

They all felt something
But I felt nothing
Except the feeling that this bullsh*t was absurd.

Nothing from A Chorus Line

Okay, I’m not going as far as to call Christianity BS, but I’m at a point where I would rather spend Sundays in bed than join the other Saints of God and worship.

It used to be I woke each day and talked to God before I left the bed. Then I spent about twenty minutes listening to my one year audio Bible. During various tasks, I resumed my conversation with God. I asked him what I should do about The Teen and her hormonal Katie Kaboom self, I asked to watch over the Boy so that he doesn’t fall in the trap that so many young men fall into (yes, he’s eight, but gangs recruit young nowadays). I asked for my heart to soften in my marriage, so that my relationship with the Mister strengthen and we stand as a united front. And I talk to God about where He wants me.

“I’m feeling nothing.”

Going through the motions is how I would describe me at this point. I don’t enjoy attending church anymore, finding myself fiddling with my phone rather that pay attention to the sermon. I peruse the online gossip site dlisted.com while listening to my audio bible, happy when the twenty minutes are over so I can read about The Real Housewives of Atlanta with full concentration. Even my favoritie podcast, Charles Stanley, has built up in my play queue. Waiting for me to tap play and get filled with the word of God. Even the Good Reverend Doctor cannot help me see that God does exist that God loves me that God is watching over me.

Watching service today I felt a number of things:

1. The songs were too damn long and too damn loud.

2. I could relate to that Bernie Mac episode when he joined church just to get service over. After calling four or five times, accept that no one wants to be saved today.

3. One thing is said but another is different. The Bible is one big contradiction. We’re taught that faith isn’t a feeling but the Holy Ghost is supposed to infuse me with this renewal and sense of peace.

4. I feel like I’m living a double life. Pious Me prays on cue, stands on cue, and speaks softly. Real Me cusses like a sailor, loves bawdy humor, and can’t function without her morning Newport. Needless to say these two don’t see eye to eye.

5. Church Folk get on my nerves. Pimps in the Pulpit (not the GRD), church ladies in big hats who say they’ll call you and don’t. The same philosphy is regurgitated from person to person. Hypocrisy runs rampant.

“Except the feeling that this bullsh*t was absurd.”

A few people got the spirit today. They jumped out of their seats and shouted and danced around. Clapping their hands, stomping their feet waving their arms. I sighed and tweeted about Sleeping Beauty’s marathon and how damn cold it was as I cheered her on. I even mentally began grocery shopping, debating on the best time to hit the market and did the radio ad I heard on the way in really say butter four for five.

“Nothing, I’m feeling nothing”

“The enemy is attacking you, and he has you in a grip because he knows God has blessings in store for you.” Says my Sheepfold person. I so badly want to believe that my unhappiness, lethargy, apathy stems from an enemy attack. However, I find my antidepressant kicks me back in gear. I simply don’t buy that anymore. Buddist are peaceful, Catholics manipulate beads, Wiccans commune with nature. My point is that as a Christian shouldn’t I get a break at some point?! While I’m not the hothead ride or die chick I once was, could that be more from me getting older than the omnipotent reach of God? God is silent to me. I read whatever I can get my hands on about the origins of the Bible, religion, Christianity. And I’m almost to a conclusion that my quiet time smoking my morning cigarette and drinking my coffee could substitute for God.

Have you forsaken me, God?

It’s misquoted that the Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Well I feel like if the Lord is really testing me, can sis get a cheat sheet? I’m annoyed that the Lord who is supposed to be love would make us suffer just to glorify His name.

As the people whooped and hollered today, no one looked happy. It looked like Their faces were twisted in pain and had to pee really bad.

I gathered my things and left church. I walked to my car hearing the faint sound of the musicians and the GRD saying the Benediction.

And I felt nothing.