This weekend, I went back to church for the first time in FOREVER.
As I sat through the service it felt cold, both temperature wise and spiritually. I tried to get into service, singing along during praise and worship, and shaking off any distractions. The Boy accompanied me, but I sent him home so I could focus solely on the service.
I still left early.
Once again I’m at a place where I ask of my belief:
Each morning, I say a small prayer of thanks before leaving the bed, but this feels hollow, like me going through the motions. Once I have the kids off to school, I spend at least a half an hour in devotion, reading from my You Version Bible app.
I really try to take the words I read into my heart, and I try to be thankful for any and everything that God has done, and then, pooh, I’m over the whole God thing.
As I have said before, I am not arrogant enough to believe that I am more powerful than God. If anything, I can look at deer running through the park or the love I feel for my children and know that there is something higher than me.
For some reason, I’m resisting God. I try to identify what it is that keeps this chasm in my relationship to the Lord, and I’m stuck trying to identify the resistance I feel. Is it