…the church waffle.
Once again I find myself at the intersection of Conundrum and Enigma, wondering why do I bother?
The argument for God in my life grows less passionate each day. Reading my bible becomes a chore I trade for a few rounds of Bejeweled. Prayer time is done when I’m in shavasana, not on my knees.
Today I sat in church and tried to listen to the sermon with my eyes turned to God, but found myself frantic because my nightclub had run out of drinks.*
In the past I clung to my faith with the rationale that if God could raise His son from the dead in three days, He could move whatever obstacle I had in my life.
That’s not enough anymore.
I know that God exists. Somewhat. There’s the God who made my children, each of whom I love and adore so much it makes me ache. There’s the God who wakes me to show off the magnificence that is dawn. The God who placed the rainbow at the end of a storm to show He still remembers the promises He made to His people.
Then there’s the elusive God who doesn’t answer when I prayed. The God who I just don’t feel no matter how many sins I cast away or things I sacrifice for the sake of my Christian label. There’s the God Who seems to skip over me when every one else has begun to sway and call his name during service.
A more mature (read: grew up in the church) tried to reason this way. I trust that my brakes will work when I step on it, faith is the same way. Another one told me you just know cuz you know cuz you know cuz you know.
Whatever.
This week I’m going to try to be more deliberate with my time with God. Rather than focus on my needs, I’m going to pray for others. When I read my Bible I’m going to actively search for His presence in the word, and once again apply it to others.
I’m not sure if this will work, but my hope is that it will change some of my confusion.
*the addictive iPhone app Tiny Nightclub.
(Button to be added when I get to a PC)
This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
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~ Posted on the fly by Mrsrkfj
I grew up in a million different churches. Old and stodgy, holy roller. I went to church where they “taught” us how to dance in the spirit. I always felt like an outsider. I tried. I wanted God to speak to me. I wanted to experience what everyone else felt. But I didn’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God. It just means I didn’t find him in church. Those moments of shavasana? I’ve had what I call “moments of clarity” when I heard the voice of God loud and clear. He’s out there. He’s listening. It’s just figuring out the best way to communicate with him. Follow your own path.
Your comment is like hammer on nail! I went to church today and felt like an outsider and left after less than 15 minutes. I think I’ve outgrown my particular church and need a new church home that will allow me to grow more with my relationship to God. I like the fellowship of the church, but I’m just not getting it lately. Church used to be fun and exciting, now it’s a chore. I think by finding a new place to fellowship will be the first step on the right path.