It used to be enough to know that God was my Heavenly Father, sending His son to earth to die for our sins. That three days later, Jesus rose from the grave to fulfil prophecy. That I could do “ALL” things through Christ. I was down with that.
Then I lost something that I really wanted.
To look at it in the bigger perspective, the kids are still healthy, The Mister is still around, my mom is still alive, I have my health, a home, a car, cable, etc.
But does that mean what I wanted and hoped for is not as important?
After crying and whining about it to anyone who would listen, I took the advice of a more mature Christian to “Let go and let God.” I tried that. I begin to read three different devotions, spent time in “the Word”, listened to only Christian music, and made an effort to praise God despite how I felt.
That lasted all of a week.
A few Sundays ago, I tried to feel excited about going to church. I made up my mind to fake it until I felt it, even going to the front for the alter call. Then it hit me again. I felt like a fraud. I was unable to fake it because I was mad.
On the way home, I tried to find the Mormons who walk the neighborhood. But since it was Sunday, I knew they would be worshipping themselves. I turned to Cyber Church via Twitter, and found the usual cliches:
God only gives you what you can handle.
When one door closes, another opens.
You have your health.
God has a better plan for you.
This only made me even more angry. These sayings aren’t for me, these are for the people trying to comfort me. Society doesn’t want to experience pain, and this makes them feel better and ‘comfort’ you at the same time. But my pain can’t be cliched away. My pain has to be there for me to learn from it. For me to cry, have sleepless nights, have anger, bitterness. My pain is for me to work through all of these emotions so that I can go to the alter and have a clear mind and heart when I present myself to God.
Elder Price sings the following:
Ever since I was a child I tried to be the best
So what happened?
My family and friends all said I was blessed
So what happened?
You’re supposed to be all so excited to be teaching of Christ cross the sea
I can’t allow my faith to be shaken
Oh what’s the matter with me?
This part also stuck out:
I must trust that my Lord is mightier
And always has my back.
Now I must be completely devout
I can’t have even one shred of doubt…
What I gain from the one hundred and twentieth listening of this song is that despite it all, Mormons just believe. Despite the snickers when the two young men walk through the neighborhood, they believe. Despite what I find to be a questionable foundation for their faith, they believe. Doors slammed in their face…they believe.
Of course, me being me, I’m going to have to let go of my doubt in my time. And I have to just believe.
I Believe; that the Lord, God, created the universe
I Believe; that He sent His only Son to die for my sins
And I Believe; that ancient Jews built boats and sailed to America
I am a Mormon
And a Mormon just believes.
I’m not a Mormon, but I’m doing to do my best to just believe.